Depression

I posted this on my facebook account yesterday:

Okay food intolerances have gotten a hellova lot worse recently. My usual doc buggered off so I'm now going to my grans doc who is really cool and straight talking lady. She doesn't believe in food intolerances per say. So the diagnosis is Depression again .. I've decided not ignore it and keep plodding on like I usually do I'm starting all the therapies ect. why am I announcing this on Facebook ? because I was ashamed of the label 'depression' for me it meant I couldn't cope with my life even though it is peachy and there for I was an eijit .. thus feeding in to the depressive cycle. My priorities are skewed and I need to fix that. So in conclussion I am depressed but I'm going to let my self get better now... ( well hopefully :))

It was really hard at the time to do it but I am very happy I did. I recieved loads of supportive comments and likes. I'm knuckling down and fixing this now as my doc said if I continue the I was going I would be 46 and be eating nothing so I need to find some balance. Pyscoanlysis starts next week and a mindfulness course in september.

I think my depression is really caused by me trying to out do myself every minute of every fecking day and not giving my self the recognition for the stuff I have done more focusing on the stuff I haven't done/ can't do. I need to reprogram my mind for calm , peace and quiet. 

YAWN off to start another day :D  

okay .. I really am poxy at keeping a blog. A few quick updates
My finger is very sore today .
I miss the steroids. ( it has been nearly a YEAR !!)
My allergies/intolerances have become hell to deal with.
I hate autoimmune diseases.
I don't like having to make compromises in my life to accomodate an illness which has no such consideration for me.
Life feels heavy everything is taking a little more effort these days.
I am back skating WOOT !!
I'll be seeing my GP and My consultant soon to give out about the current situation
I have started considering mad therapies like helminth therapy
I feel very alone

It is hard work

I'm not feeling the best. Just realised my accountancy exams are 10 weeks away and I have hardly opened a book.
When I'm down I comfort eat, all the foods which are desperately bad for me and also that I have intolerances for. My fingers have not been behaving. Filling myself up with below parr foods prob has something to do with it. But its a vicious circle I feel crap because of the arthritis I eat shite foods to feel better I feel worse and arthritis doesn't react well to it I feel worse ... I comfort eat ect ect SIGH.

I ocassionally get pain in my left hand the index finger seems to be loosing its glide it keeps clicking when I move it ... :(

I would really like to improve my diet and change to organic foods .. they might not make a difference but they will defo be much better for me that the rubbish I'm currently eating.

I'm taking a break from Piano. I'm not sure for how long but I haven't had time or the ability to practise in a very long time. So I'm letting it go for now.

Feel my life is being stripped away from me piece by piece. I would really like to understand why this has happened why my sister and gran who both have psorasis as well have not developed arthritis .. not that I want them to mind but still I WANT TO KNOW

T-rex Trying :D

http://trextrying.tumblr.com/ - Check it out Very funny :)

Stressed Times- Fears

How much time is need to morn the loss of control over a limb ? or adjust to the fact that this disease is all about pain management. I'll be honest I'm not in a huge amount of pain but my the future of my disease is uncertain.. will it progress fast or slow .. is the fact that my hips are affected a sign its progressing fast ? How long before I loose my independance ? How long before the pain meds stop working ? Will I be a horrible patient or will I adjust.

Living with my nan really brings this all home she needs help about the house I don't mind doing it and she is more than thankful but it I keep wondering how long til I need help like this.

I KNOW I KNow ... I am not that bad yet but I can't help thinking about it. Between the frustrations of looking after gran , the frustrations of this disease , the lack of study being done and the fact I currently can't practise piano it is getting to me just a tad.

I worry I'm gonna become 'Psoriatic Arthritis and me', I'm not sure the title of my blog is that good I am much more that just PA but it is currently mastering me and I don't want to be known as Katie who has arthritis .. which could happen if I continually keep talking about it !! argh argh argh. Is it the uncertainty of the disease which is annoying me ? Either way I want to keep it a small part of me if possible. Whats the issue about being know for having arthritis ??.. I'm obviously not that comfortable with it yet and worried I won't be able to control it.

I've also been going on unnecessary guilt trips. There are sooo many inspirational blogs out there about individuals who are coping with arthritis and a helllova lot more besides .. I was comparing my disease to theirs .. mine is currently nothing in comparission. But it is mine and I'll deal with it in my own time and I shouldn't worry about how others deal with their illness that is their business.

:D one day at a time

YAWN

Just for fun - Shocked Koala !!!

What ?? I have arthritis ?? :O !!

Knackered

I've been busy very very busy.

Since my last post I have moved in with my grandmother and I now manage her care. It is hard work she is very forgetful but very sweet about it. A new aupair has started recently so she should help taking some of the pressure off. She has 3 leg ulcers which have improved since I moved in *yes. Her daughter/ My Aunt will be visiting in April from Aussieland I'd like her ulcers to be healed by then.

Work is also mad busy the boss man is under a lot of pressure and is passing stuff he can't do on to me and I'm already up to my neck in work.

College,Piano and Knitting have been put on the back burner ahhh soo much to do. I'm looking forward to a free day so I can just sleep. I wasn't able to sit my piano exam as the steroids weren't working very well and I had lost a lot practise time.

I saw the rhuematologist this week my methotrexate dose has been inceased to 17.5mg and I've to take more folic acid. Also I'll be on another course of steroids :). The right hand has been bad recently I wear a support on my wrist when Its very bad. The arthritis has spread to my hips( know I really feel like an old woman). I've noticed eating bread causes flares argh I'm already milk free I'll have to adjust. So it could either be the gluten, wheat, yeast or starch irritating me. Fun fun fun my diet does need to be tidied up I'll have to do it soon.

Some of the questions I never answered from the a previous post:
1. Can I come off Methotrexate how long will it take to get out of my system- No I am now on it for life well as long as it keeps working for me
2. Am I allowed to drink at all on Methotrexate?? yes but in moderation
3. What are the alternatives ?? there are anti inflammitary/ low starch diets and a whole host of supplements I could take but they don't work as well as the disease modifying drugs basically the results are not reliable and they only suit some people.
4. Will physiotherapy help ?? yes it should I will make an appointment soon.
5. With other meds what are the common side effects I should look out for ?? as my sister advised I shouldn't be looking out for side effects or I am more likely to imagine them happening to me.
6. Does she know where I could get wrist supports and I dunno a neoprene seath to keep my finger warm. - Ebay is a great resource for this stuff.
7. Is there any chance i can go on steroids long term .. ( I'd love that but the side effects are a right bollock !!) yes I might end up on steroids long term but I am very young so this option is not ideal no matter how much I love steroids.

Right back to work ....
Katie